Not a Good Friend,

I am not a good friend, I know this. I will listen to you, I will help you. I will go out of my way for you, I will dry your tears. I will empower you, I will give you all the hope you need to move forward, and hold you up as you do so. I will pick you up when you fall, And I will help fix your pain when you rise.

What I won’t do is, talk down to you , I won’t discourage you, I won’t belittle you. I also won’t give you any of my woe and sorrow.

That last part is what makes me  a bad friend.

 I have learned that in order to be a good friend one needs to share with the other.  Talk and give of your emotional health to your friend. Share with them so they can see that you do have emotions and that you’re capable of being vulnerable. No one can do it all by themselves, believe me I have tried. 

But for me it is very difficult to give that part of me out to just anyone, and for that I am truly sorry.  I do value you, I do respect you I think you’re amazing. You deserve better, But after a life of  let downs and disappointments , I have built a fence that can not be scaled. I simply refuse to let anyone in. Maybe one day I will open my gate and let the right person in , but until then I will to live in the dark and in an emotional void.

So I move forward in my quest to find myself and open my heart to let in or out the heart that so many are willing to give. Maybe if I can do that I will be able to actually live.

 

Bullying,

Let’s talk about Bullying.

Today I am sitting here thinking about people, myself, life, and all the situations we fall into during our brief stay here on this planet. Why is it that some people feel so angry and sad that they knowingly choose to hurt others in any way possible?  What is it? Somehow degrading or hurting others physically makes the bully feel better about their pathetic life, even for just a short time? Usually when this is happening nobody see the pain that this person is going through. Why should we? They are hurting us, who cares about their feelings.

Ironically this is the part of the equation that keeps the proverbial ball rolling. We need to as the one getting hurt to somehow stand up for ourselves. Maybe turn the tables a little. Somehow stop the cycle, because the aggressor surly is not going to stop.

I know that as a person getting bullied the very idea of standing up in a situation like this sounds like a nightmare. I am not by any means saying that you need to do anything that might further the aggression from the bully. I think that by learning more about ourselves and how we are made up, that we can grow stronger and somehow fight the urge to let this person do this to us again.

We all have a spot in life that we need to fill. We all have a purpose .

I know growing up I had it rough, I know, I know, we all do. Some more than others. But It was rough for me because I was the forgotten child. There were older siblings and one much younger, so I was just forgotten. My parents divorced when I was very young, so they just had other things to do besides deal with me.

I was bullied, I was beaten, I was subjected to corpor alpunishment. I was sexualy abused by my neighbor. I was in trouble with the law on numerous occasions. Sent to a group home for a year, I spent time in a foster home. So I am telling you this so you know that I understand. I know it sucks. But until we stand up for ourselves this merry-go-round will not stop, and maybe on this ride the one doing the aggressive behavior might just see what they are doing. Maybe start to feel like a real person and stop hurting others.

Bullying comes in all shapes and sizes and from the most unlikely of places. Parents are guilty of it as well. Do let the idea that they are you parents and you should respect them. They need to respect you and your voice. You are after all a grown person.

Remember life is hard and you deserve to be happy, loved, respected. Don’t let anyone take that from you. You have a place on this earth and without you some part of life might not happen.

To all the bullies out there, you need to look deep inside and try and see what is really hurting. Fix it. Maybe you bully because it happened to you and it is all you know. But you are smart and you know it is wrong. Stop it and ask the person you hurting for some forgiveness. You may not get any, but it sends a message to the one you hurt that you are learning and trying to change.

Stop, think, learn.

Stop!!!!!

NO!!! she screamed as she begged him to stop

Why is she here in this spot

Stop, please don’t do this you see

Why do you want to take this from me?

I did nothing wrong did nothing to you but you hurt me so,

This will emotionally kill me you know

He hit me and he slapped me around 

I find myself, face down on the ground

This big dark shadow of a so called man

I start to cry as i feel his hand

My heart is beating oh so fast, I cry and I am screaming pleases don’t make it last

I am just a young girl a woman, well all grow so fast 

Stop this pain, this hurt, this rape

I did nothing to you to deserve this, death to my soul this certain will make

Soon it is over and the ripping is done

But my pain is only beginning with each mornings sun

No one will understand and no one will see just what this pig of a man has done to me

He took something form me I will never get back, gone forever, now my want for touch will forever lack

Now I can’t be touched I feel dirty and ashamed

My heart and my soul has been left hurt and lame

An emptiness has filled my once promise filled soul, Now all that is left is a blood filled bowl

I was once a beautiful woman happy and spry

Now with every mornings sun I start to cry

I ask the lord ,why me I say, why was my very being taken form me that day

Something has been taken and I will never get back, The slow erosion of my soul, has begun to crack

So now I lay here and I wonder if I should, should I even try,

If you are a man you will never understand…

If she says no, STOP

If she hesitates, STOP

Listen to her,

make her laugh,

make her feel special,

make her needs , your needs,

Feed her inner soul,

Give her hope,

Grant her wishes,

Give her the peace she deserves,

Because women are our greatest gift, life simply would not be, without them.

Love them and they will give you  all you can possibly ever want

Respect, Respect, Respect

 

Beautiful,

Today I sit, simply to find beauty. I feel it is a true gift given to most of us, but few of us fail to see in ourselves, let alone see it in real life. We all go through every day life passing by many beautiful objects, people, and things. Few of us spend the time looking at the world around us and we fail to see just how much beauty has been given to us us. The gift of sight is our way of looking at all the beautiful gifts that are all around us. The wonderful gift of hearing is our way to hear beauty. Touch helps us feel that same sweet gift that has also been given.

Most of us don’t take the time to really appreciate just what a precious gift this is. There are many people in this world who don’t have all the same abilities that were handed out at birth. These are by no means a loss to the people who go without, they actually make all the other senses better. We who have all the pieces in tact don’t see just how lucky we are. But we still pass the opportunity to either see the beauty, smell the perviable roses and just plain look the other way at true gifts that are all around us.

I am not here to tell anyone what they think is beautiful, we all have our own ideas what this is. I just wanted to let all who read my stuff to stop, just stop, sit down on a park bench look at people see the way they interact and watch the way lovers look at each other. See the children the way they look so happy, the love they have is free and unconditional. This is beautiful…

Look at a flower deep into what makes it bloom the wonderful colors, smell the intoxicating aroma.

Watch life happen, I urge you to really looking, listen, breath in and smell all the scents that make life.  Do not let fear hold you back from telling someone they are beautiful, this will change their day and who knows what else. I believe that it is up to us to make beauty happen, it is out there all around us.

Take in all the wonderful gifts that are out there. They are free and I guarantee they will make you a richer person just by living this experience.

Hope

Hope is an emotion that we all have the ability to feel but few of us  just cant. The hope emotion is unlike anything else because it does not give off a outwardly showing of feeling. But to have it gives the possessor the greatest of strength.With strength comes freedom, and with freedom comes peace. We can be mad we can be upset we can be happy we can be overwhelmed, but to have hope it takes the edge off of all the sharp edges and helps us through. I find that hope along with vision will give the one who holds it ,the greatest of power. Power is most often thought to be how strong  a person is psychical strength, but this is not the case. Most of the times power is found inside other attributes.

The hope emotion is misunderstood, this is why most often times hope goes unnoticed. I have seen in my life where hope is prevalent to the very soul of my being and it anchors me and guides me through the hard times in my life. I see hope in most all things I do. I can see the good that can come from having it. I have also seen the bad that can come from being devoid of it. 

Hope is a strange feeling because you just cant say “well i have hope” it does not work that way , the only way to have it is to truly believe in it. Very hard to explain, almost to the extent that if you don’t have it you wont get it and so on. 

Hope can drive a person to do strange  and extraordinary things it can give a person so much strength, more so than they ever thought they might have.Believe in something other than what you can see and you will be amazed at what can be accomplished.

I have seen in my life hope, I have always believed in hope, I still to this day after some bad times in  my life, know that it is still there. I refuse to think otherwise. I see hope this day and i look into its eyes and see a overwhelming feeling that I want more and more of all the time, it is as if hope is the only thing driving me to the next day. I believe that it will carry me and if you believe in it you will be carried as well.

Once we see that hope it a possibility and that having it works than that feeling will build in us and make us move on to the next stage in our lives  fighting all the way because hope will not let us down and it will pick us up every time.

People please I have Hope, I see Hope is all around us, Just take the time to see it before you, don’t look away. Because you see you can laugh, you can cry, you can be strong , and you can be week. But after all is said and done Hope makes all the same.

Without Hope all is lost.

I want to give some Hope to those of you who feel you cant see any or feel any. Hope is not something you just get you need to believe in something other than yourself. When that day comes you will be amazed on how much brighter your life will be.

Hope is the glue that holds all other emotions together.

????

Today i was sitting and i was thinking about all the things i have done wrong in my life. I was wondering if I have done enough good to overcome the amount of pain and suffering that I have caused in my life.I have come to the vague conclusion that I don’t think i will ever be able to over come this deficit

Am I pre destine   to lead a life of suffering from the angst I have caused. I am ok with that if that is the way it is going to be. But I ask if there is any way for me to make amends please tell me and I will do so. I am not afraid of any consequences I may have coming to me. I ask only please let me see what good i can have so I have a goal I have a reason to do so , because if not than please just take me.

I am not afraid to die I am willing to do so , so that some good can come from a world without me. I know I am not a good person but I do try, I know i have been a thorn in the side of many  but i never meant to do so I was only looking to try and fill a hole in my heart and in my soul that was left open by unloved and uncaring and an unloving life. I am not trying to cry poor me I am not trying to get some sort of affection, I am used to that and im ok with it, all I am trying to do is ask why do I feel like this all the time?

Why am I wanting to let my life go why do i want to just be done?

This is a question I am sure many have asked .Maybe one day when I have the chance I will ask the right person and he or she will tell me why and i may understand.

I know many who read this may say aww it is not so bad I have it worse, just remember don’t judge util you have walked a mile in my shoes.

I was thinking that I am no judge , I have no reason to forgive anyone, no one has ever done anything to me to hurt me intentionally, I am not one to be looking to forgive anyone, anything i have had done to me is a product of my own doing. I am ok with that now that I am able to see more clearly. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused to any one in my life it was never meant to be this way.

I am the one who should be asking for forgiveness for all the pain and suffering I have caused, please just remember this I never meant any malice, I was just trying to fill a hole.

Eyes

Have you ever looked into someones eyes, I mean really looked, and tried to see the real person? We look at people and we see them while they are talking. Our ears hear the voice we see with our eyes their body movement their lips moving.

But while we are hearing the voice do we really understand what they are saying do we even want to try to understand.

When we are finally able to truly listen with our heart and be able to look inside their eyes and see their soul, then we can fully understand the dept of what they are truly saying.We hear by the tone what emotion we think is being displayed, we see by their body motion what looks like the emotion, But all of this is misleading because we are afraid to really look deep into their soul, deep into their eyes and  see the real emotion.

Th e eyes are the key to real life real emotion.

Often we have false emotion or a reaction in our minds eye to what we hear in word or a tone. We need to get past our selves and give the other person our full attention and understanding. 

When we are able to look into the eyes and give respect, honor, hope, and peace it is only then we will fully hear and offer consolation to the true emotion we are seeing and hearing.

When you gaze upon her and she is telling you her troubles dont just hear her, look in to her eyes and you will then be listening to her.Give her respect see her pain feel her emotion. She will then give you all you ever dreamed of.

Life needs love without it we are all just empty vessels, it s only through love we get life, it is because of hope we get love,look in to the eyes and see life. All true emotions can be seen through the eyes.

Food for thought

Here is something to think about,

 How many of us just walk through the day looking for the right answer to the things we are looking for? I mean we mostly go through walking around looking for the perfect mate or the right answer or even thew best friend we think we are looking for.

  How many people walk on by us and we don’t even look twice at them or worse we do look and have a comment to say to our selves. How many times have this happened to us throughout our lives?

Do we or can we even imagine that the very person that we just judged could be the one person we are looking for? What if we walk by or refuse to sit next to the person on the train or the bus or even at the food court just because they might look shady or disheveled? As we go through life we see this from others and we learn it from our family or friends or we see it from other people and we except it as a common practice. We seem to only look at the people that we find attractive or who look honest or maybe they look like the are sincere in their ways. When we see someone we think might posses the necessary requirements for the friend we need in our lives, we only see what attracts us as far as looks go. We seem afraid to try and befriend the one who looks unsavory, but we never stop and think that this behavior is the one thing that is preventing us from growing. This person might be the one we need so desperately in our lives. The irony is this person might have done the same thing in their lives and now it is happening to them in some kind of poetic justice. But is up to us to stop the cycle. 

 One day we might just be surprised when we actually stop and talk to the very person we might walk by any other day. This might just be the point in our lives where we grow so much and open our lives to see the suffering of someone else, This will bring us closer to having joy fill our heart and a happiness to a new world were people care for each other. The person you see at the table where your going to eat your lunch, or sit next to at the movies, or walk by in the park, just sit down and say hello or as your passing don’t give a wide berth just slow and say hello. You might be surprised at what you will find and you may get more good than you thought. The time has come for us to stand up for what is right and stop looking for something that is pleasing to what we think is the requirements we are looking for just because this person does not look like us doesn’t mean they are any different than us.