Loss of Love

Pain doesn’t hurt, I feel my emotions drain as I lose my worth

Love is gone , emotion moved on

The soft touch of the hand, gone forever

Looking for the spark , just from whomever

I need to feel, I desire the feed

My heart weep’s

My soul in need

No longer the mix of her and I

Emotion , desire, sex

Good Bye…

Touch me , please

The new day has open my eyes to another wasted effort to be touched. I eagerly desire to be held, to have her put her soft hands on me. I long for the grace that is a woman’s touch be a part of my soul. But again I wait, again my desires will go dim. Time it seems that I feel I will not get the to experience this anymore. I feel that I must be undesirable unloved  or just not wanted.

I ask myself why. What have I done that was so wrong that life will turn away from me. The soul crushing, dismal and dreary lack of human contact. I need to smell her hair , breath in her intoxicating scent that drives men wild. I need to run my hands in her hair. I have desires that begin and end in all things ecstasy. Just the slight brush by the of her arm would be nice.

Lonely I am without the touch

I miss the contact my heart brakes so much

This age I am, for I see no end

Loneliness it seems has become my fate

The recoil burns , my soul deflates

I never thought I would be this way

 But lonely is the most of my day

I will go to sleep and I will dream

Hoping that when I wake ……………

 

 

You know the rest…. 

 

Lonely,

 

Today is just another day

Alone I will be in my thoughts you say,

I ache for the touch of her soft hands

Please let me near you, alone I stand

Lost is the feelings I starve for now

Lonely I am , I don’t know why and I don’t know how

I must be wrong in my desire my need

I wish to let my aching heart feed

My brain hurts with thoughts of lust

Lonely I will be for this is not just

How can I go on living this way

Please let me touch you

So the pain will go away

Lonely I guess will be my bane

Loneliness will forever be my pain….

Inane Babble,

Here again I sit and wonder about life. How is it that we as humans in this life together seem to just miss the point. Do we even know what the point even is? I know that for me I do not know. We all struggle to find our way each and every day. We rise to the same droll mundane existence and muddle through life just barely  getting through.

How can we ever expect to live if we are dead to all that surrounds us? The other day I was in a store and there was a woman in front of me. We both paid and were waiting for our food. For no reason at all I said hello to her just because she was there and it was polite. She said hello in reply and continued to speak and thank me for saying hello. She went on further to say that people just don’t talk anymore. I agreed in that what are we afraid of? Why don’t we talk to other people ? Maybe we are so cought up in our own lives trying to figure them out , that we simply don’t have any room to hear anyone’s story. Maybe we are insecure in our own lives that we don’t have the courage to start a conversation. What ever the reason we just need to do it. No one out there cares about what your eating or where you were lats night or what you’re wearing. Really they just want what you want and that is to just talk. Most people don’t really want to know your life history, most just want to say hi to another person. You never know where it may end up.we all seem to be looking for a friend. But we are to standoffish to just walk up to some one and say hello. 

 Not every conversation needs to lead some where. Just talk and say something funny make them laugh, you will be surprised how it will change their day and you never really know how it may change their life.

 This is rather ironic for me to be commenting about this, I for one don’t like to chat. I am just that way. I will however say hello to strangers. I wont ask how you are or how is it going, sorry I just don’t want to know. I will listen to you if you share and I will show empathy, I will help you, I will give to you. But I just don’t understand why people need to rehash the same old story’s. I guess it is because they just don’t have anything new to say.

 Well I have gone on long enough. I guess I am being presumptuous in that I think anyone might read this crap , but it is my way of letting the world know that I am not just a pretty face. Anyway Just say hi , you never know what may happen……

Who is there?,

Today I am sitting here thinking again. I have noticed most of my life that we often miss those closest to us. I don’t mean miss as in I feel sorrow that that those closest to us are far away, I am talking about how we tend to overlook them even though they are standing in front of us.

I have seen all too many times that we tend to not thank someone or say I love you to that special person or family member. I have spoken to many people about this and they tell me aww it is ok that’s family and we don’t need to say anything. I just refuse to conform to that way of thinking. I believe that anyone that does something for you or help you or just loves you, should hear it. that’s what encourages us to do more.

I know that not all the time it is going to happen, but we all need to make sure that we see the gift that is in front of us. Are we so self absorbed that we feel that it is the other person’s sole purpose in this life is to just cater to your needs. how can a person be so callous in that way of thinking.

No matter what the relationship is we need to be gracious of all the offerings that anyone gives to us. I have seen the detrimental effects that this type of behavior has done to a person’s soul. How can a person be so self absorbed and selfish that they deny a family member the glory of feeling and hearing the love from one another?  I just don’t understand people, well I do understand that most people can’t see beyond their own personal needs. what I mean is that we are all looking to be accepted we all want to be loved. When it is looking at you square in the face and asking you for sweet and kind words, how you can deny what they seek?

Life would be so much better if we all thought beyond ourselves and treated those closest to us they way they want and we need.

I think that in this world of social media that this idea of my be too much to ask. but one can hope that sooner or later that we will get to that place where we all get the love and thanks that we need and so deserve.

Not a Good Friend,

I am not a good friend, I know this. I will listen to you, I will help you. I will go out of my way for you, I will dry your tears. I will empower you, I will give you all the hope you need to move forward, and hold you up as you do so. I will pick you up when you fall, And I will help fix your pain when you rise.

What I won’t do is, talk down to you , I won’t discourage you, I won’t belittle you. I also won’t give you any of my woe and sorrow.

That last part is what makes me  a bad friend.

 I have learned that in order to be a good friend one needs to share with the other.  Talk and give of your emotional health to your friend. Share with them so they can see that you do have emotions and that you’re capable of being vulnerable. No one can do it all by themselves, believe me I have tried. 

But for me it is very difficult to give that part of me out to just anyone, and for that I am truly sorry.  I do value you, I do respect you I think you’re amazing. You deserve better, But after a life of  let downs and disappointments , I have built a fence that can not be scaled. I simply refuse to let anyone in. Maybe one day I will open my gate and let the right person in , but until then I will to live in the dark and in an emotional void.

So I move forward in my quest to find myself and open my heart to let in or out the heart that so many are willing to give. Maybe if I can do that I will be able to actually live.

 

Bullying,

Let’s talk about Bullying.

Today I am sitting here thinking about people, myself, life, and all the situations we fall into during our brief stay here on this planet. Why is it that some people feel so angry and sad that they knowingly choose to hurt others in any way possible?  What is it? Somehow degrading or hurting others physically makes the bully feel better about their pathetic life, even for just a short time? Usually when this is happening nobody see the pain that this person is going through. Why should we? They are hurting us, who cares about their feelings.

Ironically this is the part of the equation that keeps the proverbial ball rolling. We need to as the one getting hurt to somehow stand up for ourselves. Maybe turn the tables a little. Somehow stop the cycle, because the aggressor surly is not going to stop.

I know that as a person getting bullied the very idea of standing up in a situation like this sounds like a nightmare. I am not by any means saying that you need to do anything that might further the aggression from the bully. I think that by learning more about ourselves and how we are made up, that we can grow stronger and somehow fight the urge to let this person do this to us again.

We all have a spot in life that we need to fill. We all have a purpose .

I know growing up I had it rough, I know, I know, we all do. Some more than others. But It was rough for me because I was the forgotten child. There were older siblings and one much younger, so I was just forgotten. My parents divorced when I was very young, so they just had other things to do besides deal with me.

I was bullied, I was beaten, I was subjected to corpor alpunishment. I was sexualy abused by my neighbor. I was in trouble with the law on numerous occasions. Sent to a group home for a year, I spent time in a foster home. So I am telling you this so you know that I understand. I know it sucks. But until we stand up for ourselves this merry-go-round will not stop, and maybe on this ride the one doing the aggressive behavior might just see what they are doing. Maybe start to feel like a real person and stop hurting others.

Bullying comes in all shapes and sizes and from the most unlikely of places. Parents are guilty of it as well. Do let the idea that they are you parents and you should respect them. They need to respect you and your voice. You are after all a grown person.

Remember life is hard and you deserve to be happy, loved, respected. Don’t let anyone take that from you. You have a place on this earth and without you some part of life might not happen.

To all the bullies out there, you need to look deep inside and try and see what is really hurting. Fix it. Maybe you bully because it happened to you and it is all you know. But you are smart and you know it is wrong. Stop it and ask the person you hurting for some forgiveness. You may not get any, but it sends a message to the one you hurt that you are learning and trying to change.

Stop, think, learn.

Things not yet Happened,

Today i am sitting here thinking, wondering about what if’s and what happens next.How often do we think about what happens after the decision we just made? How many of us use our brains to actually think beyond our next thought? I think it is time we focus on what will happen next.

Cognitive thinking is the act of thinking beyond the next thought and the direct action as a result of that thought and the results of that decision and the result of that decision.

Now we cant always do this we just don’t have the time. But if we practice  this as often as we can it can and will spill over into normal everyday thought process. Soon we will see that we are making thoughtful meaningful decisions.

For some reason we as humans have become creatures  of right now. We have so little in our lives emotionally that we need instant gratification. We seem to focus on thing’s, not the real feeling of hope , love, or companionship.

So because we are devoid of emotional content and dept, we just grab on to the next thing that comes along. Now with that being said, What I am talking about is that we don’t think about the consequences of our thoughts, ans this has left us with an emotional void and a life filled with endless decision making.

I once told a friend to think and make good decisions. How you ask do we do that?  Well we really never know if what we decide will work out or will even  be a good idea, it goes through and all we see is the end result. So I said to my friend, try to not make a decision that will make you need to make other decisions to fix the one before it. I know it sound like a arduous  process.I know sometimes we don’t have the time to think about it , but we still need to practice this so when the time comes to make a decision in hast, we  at the very least have the future in mind.

We need to fill emotionally connected to feel full and to stop wanting for things that just occupy our immediate needs and are not fulfilling.These things we pine for just fill a hole and do not feed us emotionally.

All I can say 

THINK PEOPLE THINK.

 The rewards are worth it for Your own  peace.

Stop!!!!!

NO!!! she screamed as she begged him to stop

Why is she here in this spot

Stop, please don’t do this you see

Why do you want to take this from me?

I did nothing wrong did nothing to you but you hurt me so,

This will emotionally kill me you know

He hit me and he slapped me around 

I find myself, face down on the ground

This big dark shadow of a so called man

I start to cry as i feel his hand

My heart is beating oh so fast, I cry and I am screaming pleases don’t make it last

I am just a young girl a woman, well all grow so fast 

Stop this pain, this hurt, this rape

I did nothing to you to deserve this, death to my soul this certain will make

Soon it is over and the ripping is done

But my pain is only beginning with each mornings sun

No one will understand and no one will see just what this pig of a man has done to me

He took something form me I will never get back, gone forever, now my want for touch will forever lack

Now I can’t be touched I feel dirty and ashamed

My heart and my soul has been left hurt and lame

An emptiness has filled my once promise filled soul, Now all that is left is a blood filled bowl

I was once a beautiful woman happy and spry

Now with every mornings sun I start to cry

I ask the lord ,why me I say, why was my very being taken form me that day

Something has been taken and I will never get back, The slow erosion of my soul, has begun to crack

So now I lay here and I wonder if I should, should I even try,

If you are a man you will never understand…

If she says no, STOP

If she hesitates, STOP

Listen to her,

make her laugh,

make her feel special,

make her needs , your needs,

Feed her inner soul,

Give her hope,

Grant her wishes,

Give her the peace she deserves,

Because women are our greatest gift, life simply would not be, without them.

Love them and they will give you  all you can possibly ever want

Respect, Respect, Respect